Halloween, I got something to tell you before I give out candy to strangers and their kids, who, for some reason, are not wearing masks.
Before I spend too much money on a Batman outfit because I couldn’t find a Vault 101 outfit.
Before I celebrate you and the ghosts, ghouls, and gremlins that you love.
Before I watch those horror movies with murder, grim, and blood.
Before I play those songs, I have heard a million times.
I say this to you Halloween.
Halloween, you’re overrated.
That’s right, I said it.
They last two days and are not even the best-tasting fruit.
By the time I grab a second banana, they are all bad, and I am stuck having to go to the store getting another batch.
All style, no substance.
That is you, Halloween.
You are a second rate excuse for a holiday.
You brag about candy being apart of your day.
Yeah, because people like candy because of you.
You are why I eat so much, not because candy is delicious, and we should all go through our lives with the intention of eating as much candy as possible while still maintaining healthy lifestyles.
You put orange everywhere as if anyone even likes that color.
No one likes that color.
Heck, we don’t even know if orange is a color or fruit.
If you asked people to name their favorite color, no one is saying orange.
And what do you do, add orange to the color black so that none of us realize how much we actually can’t stand the color/fruit.
Your villains are pathetic and stupid.
Dracula drinks blood and wear capes, and is possibly a pedophile.
Frankenstein doesn’t know what the hell he is, and we are all so bored of him that we bring up that Frankenstein isn’t even his name.
Skeletons aren’t scary. They are used in science classes to teach kids the difference between the tibia and the fibula.
Mummies are what happens when you mishandle toilet paper.
The Werewolf is taking man’s best friend and somehow ruining it so that we no longer like the dog.
The whole idea of walking around in a costume getting candy from neighbors makes the Easter Bunny seem reasonable.
Why do you require me to wear a costume again?
Do you even know why, or have you forgotten over the blatant push you give yourself each year?
Which you seem to be okay with starting earlier and earlier each year.
Calm down, Halloween, you’re not that great.
People mock you when they see a skeleton poster in Target at the end of August.
Your songs stink.
They are second rate pop songs that are only played because something needs to be on when you walk around a haunted house.
Your movies stink too.
In fact, your best movie is about Christmas, not Halloween.
And don’t even get me going on the horror movies that have effects that become outdated by the next generation.
Your trademark horror movie villains are stalkers wearing masks.
Wow, Halloween, that is pretty dumb.
And I am not going to even touch the awful effect that you have on people’s psyche.
You are okay with people seeing murder and violence as apart of your day.
Way to represent great parts of our culture Halloween.
I don’t get off on your day either.
Unlike real holidays, where vacation is practically expected.
That is because you aren’t viewed with the reverence you think you have.
You are so bland and overplayed Halloween that we can all go on without you.
I can buy candy all year round.
I can dress up as Batman whenever I want.
I can play better movies and listen to better songs whenever I want.
I don’t need you, Halloween.
Halloween, you talk so much about monsters and ghouls, but I spit on your grave eating candy and wearing my everyday clothes because I do not fear you or the monsters you speak.
Halloween, you aren’t scary.
You never were.
No trick. No treat. Only too much orange.
That is Halloween for you.
Happy Halloween, everyone.
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About The Blogger
Greg Luti is an editor and blogger on pensandwords.com. He enjoys Halloween music and candy. He would like to report his disappointment behind Caramel M&M's, and is already growing his claws for his Wolverine costume for next year.
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