What Do You Even Say To The Pope? - Op-Ed Piece
The Pope is the most popular guy on the planet.
He is, after all, the head of the most popular religion on the same planet.
People know the guy is what I am saying.
He doesn’t have to worry about running ads on Facebook or any other social media account to get people to hear him.
He has a little thing called God on his side.
(Which I am not sure if you know this or not, having God on your side is a good thing)
As I heard of the president-elect talking to the Pope, I asked myself, what does one even say to a person like that?
He isn’t like an average person.
He is, you know, the Pope.
Doesn’t he talk directly to God? (Is there a hotline for that or something?)
Doesn’t he slay demons? (Or at least know how to?)
Doesn’t he actually bless stuff? (So that the demons he didn’t slay don’t bother him)
He blessed the beads that I own.
(which is basically like his autograph, if autographs could get someone out of hell)
I’d like to imagine that the Pope knew that his beads would be referenced in a random blog post that I wrote one day.
Like that was part of the prayer, rather than him saying an Our Father.
What do you think you’d say to the Pope if you had a meeting with him?
I have a few options.
I’d be speechless, and the situation would get awkward until I decided to say something.
What’s up with the Devil?
He’s such an asshole, right?”
The Pope would look at me like the moron I am.
“Jesus is cool, though. I like him.
I guess you do too.”
I joke, trying to save myself of the embarrassment.
I’d then make up an excuse to leave the room, and then I would never mention the awkwardness again.
Grill Him – Not Advisable
I could grill the Pope and ask him the hard-hitting questions.
The real questions that no one wants to ask him.
The stuff that he should be dealing with.
“Where was the church during the Holocaust?
Why does it do nothing about the pedophilia problem?
What was the church thinking about events like the Inquisition?”
Then when he doesn’t answer me, I go into a rant on how Jesus was created by the Roman Empire and that the church is nothing more than an extension of that.
That is a great way to get my butt kicked into the street by the Pope’s bodyguards.
As my ass is getting kicked, I’d proclaim some self-righteous bullshit (which is all the rage today)
“I know the truth! Myrna! Myrna! Myrna!”
But that isn’t the way to lose in style.
Cool guys don’t look at explosives.
They also don’t complain when getting thrown into the streets.
Talk About The Deal
Knowing me, I’d act all nonchalant with the Pope and treat him as if he were like anyone else.
“So I hear that Stop Rite has a deal on the can sodas they sell.
2 for $5.
That is a pretty good deal, you know.
It is much better than how much water costs.
Personally, I am a Pepsi guy myself, but I enjoy a good Coke too.
Of the stores to shop, though, I go to Target.
I like its design, you know?
That means something to me.
I always end up buying something good from Target.
How about you?”
Now, if the Pope really wanted to surprise me, he would display his knowledge of the dilemma I reported.
“Target has a deal of 2 for $4.”
I think that authority figures knowing minor details that mean a lot to the average person shows a deep understanding on the figure’s end.
We are all human.
We all have our own priorities and concerns, and hobbies.
We all don’t go around being high and mighty blessing stuff and saying prayers.
Sometimes I am worried about what to watch on TV next.
Sometimes the deals at the grocery stores are really important to me.
Sometimes the performer of the Halftime Show is on my mind.
Do they really mean that much?
Am I not getting into heaven because I chose Spongebob over Breaking Bad?
Or Shop Rite over Target?
Or Taylor Swift over Ed Sheeran?
I know this.
I think that most people know this too.
But we all get caught up with our lives, and then certain things become more important than they should, and then all of a sudden, we know more about it than we should.
We quote Spongbob too much.
We know that the technology area is next to the books at Target.
We have a list of candidates for the show.
That thing is then a part of our lives, and we then value it and appreciate it when others do as well.
Not for its real value, but for the value it has to us.
It would be cool to meet the Pope and hear him tell me about something that I find interesting.
I mean, how shocked would I be if I go to meet the Pope and he starts to tell me about Herman Melville and Moby Dick?
“Melville wrote Bartleby as well.
That short story is still relatable today, for the indifference of a co-worker is still prevalent in the modern workplace.
We all know that co-worker who, for some reason or another, doesn’t deal with anyone else.
The guy isn’t a bad guy or anything, but he just doesn’t deal. Bartleby is the epitome of that.
Moby Dick is Melville’s claim to fame.
It is also known as the White Whale, and it was an initial failure and not known as the classic it is until the early 20th century.
It was written in 1851 and is widely regarded as one of the first Great American Novels.
It is an analogy for God and man’s desire to meet him, where the whale can be seen as the omnipresent, all-powerful being, and Ahab as man trying to find him.
The book’s famous first line, ‘Call me Ishmael,’ is a reference to the son of Abraham, Ishmael.
It is quite a tough read, though. There is a whole chapter on rope.”
I’d have more respect for the Pope if he did that then if he told me about the 10 Commandments and the Rosaries.
God loves me.
God wants to be with me.
God wants to love and be with me.
I get it Pope.
You don’t have to sell me on God.
The Pope doesn’t always have to be so Pope like.
Although, I do have a bone to pick with the Church about Hail Mary prayers.
What is up with that second line? (the one line that begins with Blessed art thou)
No one ever knows it.
It is oddly structured and throws people off, so we all mumble the blessed art though part and then start up again at the Mother of God part.
Here it is, so you know what I am talking about.
Hail Mary, Full of Grace, The Lord is with thee.
Blessed art thou among women, and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us sinners now, and at the hour of death.
Glory Be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit.
No. I would never tell this to the Pope if I met him.
Mostly because I don’t want to go to hell.
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